| [104] |
[29 Oct 2008|03:09am] |
2nd week - Illness
3rd week - Bio Paper, Art History Paper
4th week - SOSC paper, calc midterm
5th week - Bio Paper
6th week - Bio Lab Report
7th week - Art History paper
8th week - SOSC paper, probably, inevitable suicide. Calc midterm, probably.
9th week - Imminent suicide, thanksgiving.
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| [102] what? what? college will kill me |
[21 Oct 2008|03:29am] |
Seriously, college is going to kill me.
And I'm going to get bad grades too.
But, certain bad grades are ok.
I WILL FINISH THIS. I WILL SURVIVE.
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| [099] full day. |
[06 Sep 2008|02:43am] |
6:34am I woke up; my mom came into my room. I may have woken up slightly before my mom came into my room, but there you are.
7:00am My mom and I leave for the eastside terminal.
7:22am My mom boards the bus for downtown & Jury Duty.
7:24am I go to Wal-mart to eat at Mickey D's.
7:38am I finish eating, get back to terminal.
7:49am I get on the #58 bus heading back home.
8:30am I go back to sleep.
12:28am I wake up.
2:00pm Mindy picks me up, we get food, watch Friends (yay!) and then she takes me to my eye appointment.
3:10pm Eye appointment begins.
3:40pm Eye appointment ends.
5:10pm Omar arrives.
5:30pm Dinner at Taco Tote.
6:30pm barely catch showing of Tropic Thunder.
6:31pm Realization that we bought tickets for the 7:25 showing.
7:30pm Making it to the showing.
-------End of movie.
9:40pm Arrival at Best Buy to purchase Hard Candy.
10:20pm Arrival at Hollywood Video to purchase: Darjeeling Limited, In Bruges, & Before the Devil Knows You're Dead.
12:38 Finished watching movie, begin playing with new computer.
12:47am The realization that this slice of mundanity is a 'full' day for me.
12:50am The realization that that's ok.
12:52am The realization that I didn't talk to Eamon all day. :(
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| [097] at long last |
[13 Aug 2008|03:47pm] |
I'm very, very sleepy. I woke up unnecessarily early today so that I could come to my Aunt Lily's house to babysit her daughter's daughters (Yahaira & Iliana). I thought their mother, my cousin Roxy, said to meet her here at 7 a.m., so in expectation of this I woke up around 6:15 a.m. Unfortunately, I was wrong and they didn't actually pick me up until 7:30. So, I've been taking care of the girls and waiting for the youngest to go to sleep so I can nap as well.
She finally went to sleep somewhere around 2:30,
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| [096] stomach in my lungs |
[10 Aug 2008|12:01am] |
stomach in my lungs
I had a day of best friends today. As soon as I woke up Mindy and I went to the mall. I bought a shirt from anchor blue and nail polish from hot topic.
Then we came home and she looked for a blank for her blank and her's blankablankary [blanks for unspoilage of surprises].
It was fun.
Then Lorae & I went to Cheddar's, ate, then tragically she had to go back home after dropping me off. Before she dead, we nearly died.
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| [91] late night revelations |
[19 Jun 2008|02:49am] |
Instability comes late at night, fear does. Drinking four cups of coffee - nay, binging on four cups of coffee - is often an open invitation.
I shouldn’t think so late at night. But I wanted to document something.
I’m never, ever going to run out of index cards.
Minee, I was just kidding about the ew.
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| [090] finally finished. |
[10 Jun 2008|09:57am] |
I just “finished” my European Civilization “paper” it is “not” very “good.” As of two hours ago, I officially hit the haven’t slept for 24 hours mark, so as of 8 minutes from now I’ll have gone 26 hours without sleep. I should really go to sleep right now, but the truth is that I am quite hungry and I feel I should wait until 11, when the dining hall is supposed to open. I might just splurge and buy myself some Subway, though, because at this moment I can’t even fathom waiting one more freaking second to go home.
What I meant to write about the other day was about a good day I had. I went and saw Nick and after we practiced for a while, he gave me a hug and then he gave me a hug again. It made me feel good.
Then I played Tennis and it made my body sore because I’m not very good and I hadn’t played in a while and aside from that I hadn’t had played in a long while, I told them two years.
I know it’s getting late and that my body isn’t going to take it because even this perfect beautiful keyboard is proving too difficult for my fingers to type on. Like I just told Jim, I’m working on 6 hours of sleep that happened 26 hours ago and a dinner that included two corndogs that occurred 14 hours ago. It would have been cool if I had said four corndogs, for the nice symmetry, but what do you want from me, life doesn’t work that way.
What do you want from me. The next time I update this I will likely be in El Paso but after several hours of lost sleep, things like these kind of cease to matter.
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| Totalitarianism paper |
[10 Jun 2008|03:24am] |
If 2,000 words is a six-page paper, then at around 500 words I am about 1/4 finished.
[3:25] 478 words.
[4:35] 588 words. (The problem with taking a small break is that if you watch something interesting you won't be able to stop.)
[4:53] 678 words. Bolshevist Russia face soviet unrest face bloop.
[5:29] 755 words.
[5:43] 791 words.
[6:33] 867 words.
[6:53] 1,016 words. If I finished roughly half in three hours, I should finish by 9 am? 1/2 finished.
[7:16] 1, 177 words. This is crap by now. Five hours until this paper is due.
[7:30] 1,240. Fuck. I am running out of brain.
[7:45] 1,381 words. Blerp.
[8:04] 1591 words. I have officially been up for 24 hours.
I'm going to go eat breakfast now. Finish my paper at the reg. Be. Back. Someday.
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| [089] |
[09 Jun 2008|10:10am] |
In about twenty minutes I am going to attempt to take my calculus exam. I'm prtetty confident about it even though I just finished studying for it about 20 minutes ago. Or maybe I'm pretty confident because I just finished studying twenty minutes ago? I've never been the type to cram in the morning so much. Throughout highschool, my studying routine went like this: not studying.
Yesterday was a pretty un-Sunday-like Sunday. I went to Brunch, blah blah, then studied at the library for two or five hours. After a while I got pretty tired of reading Hitler's Mein Kampf so I decided to take a break which turned into a snack break which turned into watching TV online which turned into dinner which turned into installing random programs on my computer and then messing with the customization. A rule of life for Ivy is never allow her access to anything that she likes that can be customized, because then she will spend the rest of her life customizing it. And this is especially bad when she's got two papers and two finals. Just writing that just there gave me the heebie jeebies a little.
Seeing myself earnestly type 'heebie jeebies' just gave me the heebie jeebies a little. O_O
Anyway, then Anna and I were supposed to go to Mass at 9, but the shuttle didn't show up until 9:20, and we arrived on campus at around 9:25, which meant there were only ten minutes of that super-fast Mass to go. I'm still feeling pretty guilty about it. The reason the bus was late was because it wasn't a normal central shuttle, it was Route A, which i s only supposed to run in the summer, and which was in fact running prematurely (because this is finals week gablammit). So when Anna and I got back on Route A to get back to the Shoreland, it was to discover that it in fact went really really far north. We were practically downtown. Anyway, eventually we got back to the Shoreland, to the relief of the silent, scared mass of students on the bus. I think more people got off at that stop than actually live at the Shoreland. IT was eerie to be on a bus and not know where you are and not know where you're going and wonder if perhaps there was some plot to kidnap a few of the allegedly-affluent students of the U of C or perhaps if the driver was some sort of Demonic Agent taking us into Another Dimention. [That sounds so cool I'm almost disappointed we did end up home.]
More later.
Praise Life, Praise God.
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| [086] beep. |
[02 Jun 2008|02:24am] |
I am not alone.
I gos lots of friends.
And yet I feel alone.
It might be the 2-am-ness.
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| [085] failure |
[28 May 2008|09:49am] |
I think I have strep throat again.
fuck.
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[21 May 2008|11:35pm] |
(11:33:53 PM) ivy: ok
(11:34:04 PM) ivy: how baby feel about baby coming home?
(11:34:06 PM) ivy: just kind of eh?
(11:34:13 PM) daddy awesome: not really
(11:34:18 PM) daddy awesome: but kind of...
(11:34:18 PM) daddy awesome: YAY!
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| [83] stunted hope. |
[21 May 2008|08:31pm] |
I was hoping to write a little something in the 'twenty minutes' it took for the next shuttle to leave the library. But, sadly, these 'twenty minutes' dwindled down into five once I actually got to the library, went down to the MacLab to check whether my favorite computer was taken (it was), and then find a computer on the first floor.
So, now it's 8:35. The next shuttle - Central Shuttle - is going to leave here in five minutes. I should be standing up, but the bouncy keyboard and my need - nay, want, the desperate one, to write down what's been going on keeps me chained to this. Also, the bouncy keyboards. Laptop keyboards sort of get annoying sometimes.
Tonight, after I do the laundry, I'm going to sit down and write, though, for reals.
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| [083] post-WWII digest |
[21 May 2008|03:35am] |
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Within The Idea of National Independence, General de Gaulle introduces a new notion of nationalism, a nationalism which is defined not by a struggle towards supremacy, but instead a struggle towards independence and individuality. He also introduces a concept of foreign diplomacy in which other nations are not merely nations against whom to compete or nations with whom to ally oneself with in war, but nations with whom one can reach “relations of working understanding.” Furthermore, his statement that “independence leads us to adopt a policy…that no exercise of hegemony by any power, no foreign intervention in the internal affairs of a state…can ever be justified,” sounds remarkably like Mill. The Bad Godesberg Program similarly identifies a Socialism that is now much different from its pervious incarnations. However, although it continues to advocate the freedom of the lower classes, it ceases to identify this freedom with the oppression of others. The difference between these documents may also arise from their different types; de Gaulle is making a speech, and the Bad Godesberg Program is a statement of a party’s platform. Nevertheless there continues to be somewhat of a hostile/aggressive tone, which comes in part from its continuing to call for German unification. The title of Jean Monnet’s Red-Letter Day for European Unity is indicative of its purpose, Jean Monnet’s continuing work for European unity, a unity which he believes is necessary not only for the peace of Europe, but for the peace of the entire world. All three documents, mention both explicitly and implicitly the effects of the war. These policies are aggressive in their struggle for peace, or the demonstration that it is desirable. Although it is evident that some degree of nationalism remains, in the desire of countries to remain autonomous and individual, this nationalism is not one that ardently calls for war.
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| [082] self-imposed |
[20 May 2008|01:16pm] |
Neglect is unfortunately among the many talents I possess. I wanted to write about my recent experiences, because it’s been an interesting few days, but I am afraid that I must write first and foremost about what is on my mind now.
I went to 327 today, to pick up the last of my things: the tiny non-slip bathroom mats, my coffee, my tea, a couple of cups, a few bowls, and some Tupperware. I also found that reporter notebook I lost while I was still half in transit, which I supposed I had just lost at school. I was very upset about the loss of this notebook. I had recently decided to buy it for myself, and it was filled with a few powerful entries. I did with it what I usually do; just spill my soul out.
So, I go back, and I am very surprised to find it on the top of the bureau, with my pages ripped out, and more written in. An entry stated, “I had a meeting today... with my (former?) roommate. I won’t write her name here because I am ready to leave her behind.” Ready to leave me behind, and yet she was writing in my notebook! I decided to take it. I spent $15 on it, as well as an additional $15 to replace it. So yes, I took it, and it’s now in my back[edit:backpack]. I am unable as yet to write in it, also because I had already started writing in the new one. I threw her old pages in the bathroom down the hall; didn’t want them following me.
Is this crazy? Yes, it’s crazy. But I also wrote a 10 page paper last night. And I’ve got about 100 pages to read tonight as well as a 250-word digest on them, due by 9 p.m. In addition to the French homework due tomorrow, in addition to going to Housing office to finalize everything, and to watching a French film in order to write an ADVC about it, and writing the old ADVC, and negotiating a new lector session to attend sometime this week in addition to the last one this week, to make up for the one I missed last week. So, I’ve got a full enough load. I hope that the things plaguing me – the things I force to plague me – will go away.
I actually had a good lunch. I went to BJ, and saw Dewey & Christine, and Christine said ‘bye to me as she was leaving. Then Marissa came, as well as Annie & Christine again, and then eventually Anna. As I was leaving the courtyard I ran into Ilana, who gave me a run-down of the Eurociv class I had missed. Also, on my way out I ran into Angelica and we had a short little convo. Things are coming together, nd it is so easy. I can be so easy.
On top of which, I’m going to see Eamon this Friday. There’s a whole heck, a whole slew, of scary things between me and him, but I’ll get there. With the grace & help of God I’ll get there, and also some friends here. And a great roommate. And my family.
[soon to come is Summer Breeze Carnival & Concert update]
Praise the Life You’ve Living, Praise God
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| [081] almost |
[17 May 2008|01:49am] |
It is almost two in the morning and I am sad to say that I haven't fallen asleep. Grace and I started watching Lost in Translation, a movie that I told her was "a good movie to fall asleep to," and it is, but I was unable to actually fall asleep while watching/half listening to it. I'm not sure why it is.
I have been hit by an avalanche of work. I have that enormous paper due this Tuesday, not to mention the various assignments that were due today (as in Friday) but that I just neglected by not going to class. On top of everything, which some may conclude not to be much, I have (suddenly) fallen ill.
It's some strange sort of cold. I woke up and was just SICK on Thursday morning, but I still managed to go to class that day, although by the evening I felt horrible. I felt somewhat better during the day, but now I feel pretty darn bad.
Aside from that, I had a pretty good day. I woke up at around 9-930, and from then until maybe 1030 I chilled out for a bit to eat and drink and have some medicine. And then I went back to sleep until around 2, after which I lay in bed reading Survival in Auschwitz (which I have to finish by Monday; I'm almost done), and then I heard a knock on the door that was April inviting me to see The Office.
Then, we went to a Vietnamese place called Tank Noodle with the house. Those who went were Patrick, Heather, and their daughters Lizzie and Catherine, as well as Andy, Dewey (/Erin), his girlfriend Alyssa, Grace, Jeremy, April, Alex, Anna, and me. We took the #55 to the Red Line, which we then took to the Argyle stop. On the bus ride, Andy kept talking about Alcohol, and Dewey insisted on helping this black woman who sat next to me on the bus with her sudoku. At the restaurant, Alyssa ordered her food with her trademark English accent (once, she and Dewey were fighting in the lounge and he sort of brought it up against her. It was a small win in my brain).
The food itself was actually very reminiscent of Pho Tre Bien, although it was strangely flavorless to me. This is perhaps because I'm sick. Or maybe I've been waiting and waiting to go to Pho with Eamon, and eating Vietnamese without him just didn't make sense.
After that we went to a Vietnamese supermarket, and bought some goodies. I didn't have any cash, so April bought me some almond-covered chocolate pocky (read: HEAVEN on EARTH), and then we decided to go to Belmont. When we got to the Belmont stop, though, Anna decided not to go, which meant that April and Jeremy weren't going to go, and so I got off but noticed that Grace wasn't going, so I got back in. Belmont with Alex, although I've never been before, didn't seem good to me. It would be awkward.
Anyway, it was a long pleasant ride back home. The rides there, as well as dinner, were pretty pleasant also: it's always nice to talk to Anna & April, and I even conversed a bit with Jeremy about this and that. It felt good. People. Hmmm....
Grace & I got home and watched Brick, then Lost in Translation. And now we're both having some much needed alone time with our laptops. Although it might just be time for me to go to sleep.
Praise the Life You're Living, Praise God
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| [080] holding |
[14 May 2008|10:45pm] |
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I am holding my breath. I am not living; I am waiting, I am in that moment of waiting that is so not living – so anticipatory – and yet, in its anticipation, almost just like the culmination of life itself. I’m waiting to go home. I’m waiting until I see Eamon again. I am waiting for things I don’t know the names of, the things I don’t know I’m missing. I wanted not to define myself as an anticipatory person, but I feel as if for a large part of my life I have been waiting for college. As I was telling my brother last night, he’s one of the reasons I’m so messed up. He came home from his first year of college when I was six years old and decided I was Intelligent, and he reiterated it last night. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. [I still don’t know whether or not it’s true, or whether it was some sort of manifestation of his love for me and his confidence in his blood, his family. But, when he said it, when he said that word, a part of me felt like he was calling me what I was. But the truth remains to be seen.] And so I did it, I defied some expectations and fulfilled others, and I found myself in a top-tier university. It’s in the top ten of almost every list, the top five of some, and was the number one of the Princeton review. And yet it has something of a rogue quality in itself because it isn’t Ivy league, a fact which also fulfills some expectations: Ivy: success, yes, but not in the run-of-the-mill Harvard sort of way. And yet, today I went to see my advisor, and got a print-out of my transcript at the moment, and it’s not pretty: 3.23 to be exact. B+. Ugh. This also feels like it’s like me, a b plus. B plus looks. B plus bra size. B plus everything. Sometimes reaching into A-. I feel so un-extraordinary. So unspectacular… ….and yet. Yesterday was great. Nick and I went to the point and played some guitar, and it was perfect. The weather was on the nicer side of not-that-nice, and he smelled great, and his eyes were so clear, and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks were a good backdrop for our music. It was a perfect moment. I want to go home [and I am: on May 23rd, after my calculus midterm]. Want to breathe again.
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| brother convo #2 |
[13 May 2008|07:39pm] |
dosekete (7:32:51 PM): Rode my bike today.
dosekete (7:32:58 PM): To school! To dinner! And back!
*******mountains (7:33:09 PM): Nice....it feels good, no?
dosekete (7:33:40 PM): It does! Although it's difficult to navigate some trees.
dosekete (7:34:02 PM): streets*
*******mountains (7:34:09 PM): trees are merely big pieces of broccoli. if they get in the way, eat them.
*******mountains (7:34:21 PM): streets you cannot eat.
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| [078] lazy sunday |
[12 May 2008|01:31am] |
Today was a good day. I woke up around 11:30 for reasons unknown to me, and then I sort of lazed about. Mindy called me for a bit and we talked about her problems, and a little bit about my problems (because we're a bit self-involved), and a lot of this involves my yelling at her. It's a nice pattern.
By the time I got off the phone, it was (fortunately) too late to catch (free) brunch at the dining halls, so when Grace woke up, we went to Thai 55 for lunch. At first I thought it was really yummy, sort of like the sweet and sour pork at Peking Garden, but then the sweetness started to annoy me.
When we came back, I was determined to finish my Eurociv digest quickly so I could then go to dinner, go to church, and come back and do my homework. Unfortunately, I ended up sleeping for the next three hours, was still able to turn in my digest before 9 o'clock (it's posted below), but I didn't go to church. I haven't gone to church all quarter, actually, and I don't know if I went when I was in El Paso. This is something that I am less than happy about. There's that old little scenario they sell to you sometimes - if Christianity were outlawed, would there be enough evidence to convict you? If there were some really intense detectives out there, I am sure that I would be convicted. But there might be reasonable doubt or whatever, and that's something I'm not happy about.
I talked to Mindy sometime before I finished my digest also because I was feeling bleh. Sometimes I feel bleh. I've got a month to go here. Eamon says it's not that long, Mindy says it's not that long, but it's going to feel like a long time to me. I need Eamon. I need to be home. I need to be with my family and friends and sort of try to process everything. I want to feel the sun roast me to my natural color all over again. I'm getting too light here.
I finished my French homework also, which was something of a bitch. I should say I 'finished' it, because it's sort of incomplete but I don't care. I just need to go to sleep.
A great highlight to my day is that I talked to my beautiful, my one, my only, my Eamon. We finally got the stupid mikes on our computers so we were able to talk online, although he doesn't have a webcam on his end.
I'm blabbing. I should go to bed. Good night.
Praise the Life You're Living, Praise God.
**my entries are now written with Cambria. It's a pretty font. Download it. :D
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| [077] bolshevist digest |
[11 May 2008|11:04pm] |
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Within What is to be Done, Lenin states that revolutionary organizations must differ from trade union organizations, and thus introduces a specific profession of ‘revolutionary Social Democrats’ that populate this revolutionary organization. will He says that this revolutionary organization, as opposed to a trade union, should not be too extensive, and should be as secret as possible. Furthermore, the members of this organization must be professionally trained. It is difficult for me to discern whether these are his specifications for merely overthrowing the previous government, or if this is also what he believed should be followed after the Social Democrats take control of the government. Within State and Revolution, it is important for Lenin to make the distinction between the bourgeois state and the proletarian state. The former is brought to an end by revolution, the latter “withers away.” Like the Marx-Engels manifesto he quotes freely (and which is the basis for this document), he delineates a strong difference between the capitalist bourgeois oppressors and the oppressed proletarian, again dehumanizing both. He identifies the current democracy that the state experiences as limited and “curtailed, poor, false:” it is only for the rich, and goes on to state that there must be a transitional period between this limited democracy of capitalism and the future democracy of Communism, namely a period of proletarian dictatorship. In this state of dictatorship, according to Lenin, the state is still necessary to suppress the previous exploiters. This continues mention of a “transitional state” is what seems to me to be among the most dangerous elements of this doctrine – who will determine when the transitional state should end? He repeats continually that the ideal Communist state will eventually be unnecessary and also wither away. But the catchphrase “From each according to his ability; to each according to his needs,” (as well as most manifestations of Communism), seem to me to necessitate a strong regulating state.
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